Robot Underwear

Today I begin a two week focus group extravanganza in California (yay!) and a bit of Texas (blarg). I am attempting to furiously blog the trip, so that you can all share in the joys of my business trip.

9:50 AM: I was selected for additional security screening at the checkpoint. I am pretty sure that I was selected so that they TSA could say they weren’t racially profiling. There was an odd little glass booth in the middle of the security lanes where I had to stand and wait. It was me, some Asian people, an old Hispanic couple, and a young guy of ambiguous ethnicity and a foreign passport. I was the TSA’s show white guy. “See? We check out white people too!” Anyway, after waiting forever because most of these people didn’t speak English and the TSA didn’t speak any language other than English, I got through, only to learn that the TSA had lost my boarding pass. How the fuck do you lose a boarding pass when your job is airport security? They were like “We’ll just call your gate and tell them to let you on.” Apparently they can do that. Who knew?

10:45 AM: Whilst boarding I passed a strange looking man in an inappropriately sized suit. He was looking half leather face and half ‘men who look like old lesbians’ with a cheddar-y shade of hair. So he was kind of a freak. He was with his mother, who looked nice enough. She was perhaps in her mid-60′s. For some reason they were stopped at boarding and cheddar lesbian man started freaking out on his mom. He was all “Why did you do this to me??” and the airplane people had to ask him if he was OK to fly like he was retarded. Since he was not retarded, he said yes and then continued to yell at his poor old ma. I wonder what she did to him? Maybe she put him on the terrorist watch list.

12:23 PM: As I write this I am on the plane, in the air and traveling backwards through time (re: Facebook status) writing business emails and having important business IM conversations and writing important business documents. Later I might watch business Hulu, but only if business web email continues to not business work.

Fortunately I can focus on business because there was a free seat and I was able to move away from my overly chatty seat-mate, a woman vacationing from Hong Kong. She seemed young and nice, but her fake eyelashes were coming off in the most distracting way. I wanted to rip them off. Anyway, it turns out the she is a headhunter and she immediately began pitching me on work in Hong Kong. Instead of telling her I was not interested (too distracted by aforementioned eyelashes) I let her prattle on even though I didn’t fully understand what she was saying. At some point it turned into a job interview and she asked me why I wanted to work in Hong Kong and I was like “I don’t want to work in Hong Kong?” and she was all “Why are you asking me about jobs in Hong Kong?” and I was all “Who’s asking you about jobs in Hong Kong?” It got a little weird. Then she told me she though NYC was dirty and I decided I hated her and moved seats.